Why We Forgive Our Selfish Friends/Exes

 

I look at his photos on Instagram sometimes. Sometimes it's on purpose, but most of the times it isn't We floated in the same circles when I was 17 and some of his friends became my friends and my friends his. It's safe to say we would always kind of be connected to each other.

I can see his face when I'm on insta and not feel that little burning bubble of hatred that used to weigh me down for days on end when someone even breathed his name. I guess you could call that character development.

It's funny how you can go from having someone be a staple in your life and being unable to cope with the possibility of them never being in your life when really it's nothing like that at all. People are more like avocados than water. You don't need avocados to survive.

But how does someone get to that point of feeling not even a niggle of emotion towards a person who played such a pinnacle role in their development as a human being? I had many emotions about him, not all positive. Thanks to this time period of my life, I have many negative traits. I'm quite to anger, I'm loud and I can be vindictive. I am also highly aware of my value as a person and will let very few people take advantage of me.

We are all, however, victims of time and as time goes on we feel everything less intensely than we did before. This in itself is a bit of a faux pas because it leaves us vulnerable to abuse yet again. No one wants to believe that someone is inherently a bad person but our forgiveness can sometimes leave us open to it again.

But it is a blessing. Forgiveness. And if anything, forgiveness is more for us than the one who desires it. When we forgive, we take time to look back at what was done to us and we forgive ourselves for 'allowing''it to happen. We forgive ourselves for letting that person in because it is part of the beauty of us, we are warm and kind and we choose to see the light in people who only see the darkness in themselves.

So would I be in the place to meet up with said person and be happy? No way in hell. Do I still want them to burn in the flames of hell? Not so much.

2018 Goals: Let's Get It

[Planner from https://www.eccololtd.com/]

I could start this post off by saying 'new year, new me' but that would probably be a lie.Knowing myself, I've started this year being as coarse and scratchy on the outside and squishy on the inside as last year. I thought I'd give myself a week to get over the unrealistic resolutions like giving up chocolate and let the real ones roll in.

CHILL THE F OUT

A lot of the reason why I had a bad time over the course of 2017 was because of a poor quality of mental health. The invasive thoughts get into my head, I start obsessing and the next thing I know I'm asleep all day and crying all night because it's all just too much and the uneven sleep pattern has got my cortisol levels running rampant. This has got to stop. I need to change my coping methods so I can have a more productive year and be a happier person for it.

HANG OUT MORE
During my slump, I fell out of contact with a number of my friends and in doing so felt even worse about myself. I now need to push myself to hang out with people more and get into the habit of reaching out, even if it's just for a cup of tea. If I'm not seeing one of my friends at least once a week, I'm not doing it right. 

DRIVING LESSONS

Funnily enough, I already have a drivers license from my time in Asia and I am legally allowed to drive there for a few more years, but I need to get a UK license if I want to drive here. O and I have been hankering to take a little trip around the UK and it would make life so much easier if we could just hop in the car rather than have to slump heavy suitcases on the train. As much as I love public transport, I miss having the same freedom. 

INVEST IN MYSELF
I am too old to be buying cheap trainers and wondering why they fall to bits after a couple weeks. I make my own money and I still have the sense I was born with so I shouldn't feel guilty when I see a new coat that I like during my time of need. I want to go to a fancy black hairdresser and have someone else work with this mane. I want to get my teeth whitened. This year I will invest more money in myself, not just materialistically, but spiritually as well. I can't begin to build my life beyond myself if I don't start from within and help to build my own character.

TREAT MY BODY LIKE A TEMPLE
That means drinking more than 1.5L everyday and not just when I feel guilty. Balancing my diet and not just eating 9 easy peelers in one sitting. Going to the gym more than once a week and not chickening out because it's a bit chilly outside. Exfoliate. Face masks. Hair masks etc. You get the deal...

What are your goals for 2018?

2017: A Year in Review

What better way to start a new year than by looking back at 2017 and thinking about everything I have learnt, and believe me, I learnt a lot. Let's be honest. 2017 has been a year of utmost shenanigans. The year threw so many curveballs I wasn't sure whether it was best to run screaming or cover my eyes and pray for it to be over. And it wasn't just me; people in general seemed to be having a rough time, but that is what made the good parts extra special.


ALL THE CONCERTS

• Justin Nozuka: I saw Justin Nozuka perform as my first solo gig of the year. I have been a fan of Justin for about 5 years and was unable to attend his gig in London a few years ago and was completely gutted. This year, thanks to Songkick, I managed to catch his performance, take loads of videos and chat to him in person. He's just the sweetest in person.
• FEMM: I saw the Japanese electronic duo FEMM (short for Far East Mention Mannequins) perform at Underworld Camden, thanks to Songkick again. It was only their second performance in London so it was rather small but I got pretty close to the front. They performed some of my favourite songs of theirs (Fxxk Boys Get Money) and some new ones that I am now obsessed with (Dead Wrong). If anyone needs a female anthem, Dead Wrong's the one.
• SZA: My parents got me SZA tickets for my 23rd birthday. I absolutely LOVE SZA and her music is my first port of call when I wanna get/am all up in my feelings. I religiously listened to CTRL when it came out so I was absolutely buzzing to see her perform and was ruthlessly sending snaps to my bestie who's also a big fan. 

TRAVEL

• Skytrex Melaka: I celebrated the beginning of 2017 in Malaysia with my family and close friends in Melaka. During our stay, we went to Skytrex Melaka (a bit like Go Ape) and the Extreme Warrior trail, the highest and hardest trail, up in the canopy of Taman Botani Ayer Keroh. Nerve-wracking, but totally worth it!

• Paris: O and I used my long weekend at work to escape to Paris for a few days. Envision days filled with glasses of wine, chocolate crepes and visits to all the museums. I even managed to squeeze in a meal with some family friends at this beautiful little cafe amongst all our touristy ventures.

• Sorano, Italy: I spent three weeks travelling around Sorano, Tuscany with my mum when she came to visit me for a month. I took a bunch of time off work and was able to travel the Italian countryside. It was lovely having so much time to properly explore Tuscany. 

HOME LIFE

• We got Sterling: After months of back and forths with O about getting a pet, we finally brought our cinder corn snake home. Yeah he's not fluffy and doesn't want our constant attention, but he always comes to say hello and likes keeping us company when we watch movies, sitting in our pockets.

• Started A New Job: I started my first job after graduating from university working in the care system. While this job was very exhausting, both emotionally and physically, I learnt a lot about the healthcare system and myself in turn. I also made some great friends

SOCIAL BUTTERFLY

• Raindance/United Festival: I took the plunge and went to a number of festivals with a new group of friends I made earlier in the year. Even though I was really nervous to go out to events with so many people

• Pulled an all-nighter: I celebrated a family's birthday and clocked in the most hours I've ever been awake at 27hrs. I'd gone to work at 7.30am and returned home the following morning at 10am. Probably won't be able to physically do it again, but it made for some fond memories and I've never been to so many places in London all in one night.

• Visit from N: A friend of mine from high school came to visit me during her travels and stayed with me for a week. Thanks to her, I got to see Phantom again and do all the touristy things I don't usually have time to do.

• New tattoo: I got my new tattoo by a tattoo artist I've been following for the past few years. He was travelling through Europe and was tattooing in London for a few days so I jumped at the chance of getting a piece done by him. I ended up with a custom rose by him and all I can say is money well spent. I'm looking forward to wearing backless dresses when the summer comes around. 

Even though 2017 was somewhat of an eyebrow raiser of a year, I can't deny that there were some pretty good moments.

5 Changes I'm Making For the Future

It's been a couple of weeks since I turned 23 and it's given me a little time to think about what I want from life. I'm definitely not a teenager anymore, I'm firmly sat in my twenties. I'm an adult and with that comes adulting. I'm definitely not the best at keeping my self-confidence up but I've always been good at deflecting to make it seem peachy, so much so that even after years of friendship, people are only now beginning to notice how difficult I find it.

1. Take Better Care of my Body
It's easy to get trapped in the 'I Wish' mindset about my body when I'm scrolling through instagram, but now I have been gifted a gym membership, I'll be able to actually achieve the goals I desire. Not only does exercising improve you mentally and physically, it helps introduce you to healthy habits and social situations which can be hard at first but will be fruitful.

2. Dress Better
The way I look takes a massive toll on my self-esteem. When I dress in oversized hoodies and sweatpants, I find myself walking around with my head down, hoping to avoid human interaction when I'm out and about but that's not the way too be. It may sound stupid, but doing the little things like putting on that cute pair of dungarees I like or washing my curls so they're defined and putting them into a little pineapple make me happy and I need to do that more.

3. Be my own Hype Man
I have vowed to stop letting that little voice in my head get the best of me. I need a new mantra, one that reminds me that no matter how helpless I feel, I need a mantra that will help me get out of bed in the morning, put a smile on my face and remind me that I am the sum of my all of my parts and not just my failures.

4. Let My Creative Side Take Over
Some of my happiest times have been when I've found a new hobby and I am able to let my creative juices flow and to look at the work I have created. I've started embroidery and water colour and right now, it brings me such peace whenever my mind is in turmoil.

5. Ask For Help
I gets harder, especially when I get older, to ask for help, especially when there is so much pressure in the world to have everything sorted out for ourselves as soon as we leave home. It can be hard to ask for help, but there are always people around who love you and are willing to help you, even if it's just a cup of tea and a listening ear.


Confidence in myself and my abilities are what is going to bring this new year in my life to greater heights than the previous years. Bring it on 2018!